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Four Part Star War

What do you get when you cross a cute Canadian, creativity and a humorous song?


And it is a classic. Really. Granted, he's not singing, nor did he come up with the song but at least he's still good to look at.

Nothing says sexy male more than someone who can make bizarre faces and not really care!


Happy Holidays?

It's Christmas Eve, with only a few hours until the big man slides down well-lubricated chimneys all over the world. But I've been hearing something that I thought I never would...

Happy Holidays!

What the fuck? 'Happy holidays'? Last time I checked, it was Christmas, therefore making 'Merry Christmas' the appropriate greeting. Why is it that we are following the Americans and making this a simple holiday?

And no, I don't want to hear the rubbish about not everyone being Christian so we can't say 'Merry Christmas' because it might offend or upset. My calendar clearly states that the 25th December is called 'Christmas Day' with December 24th being known as 'Christmas Eve'. I don't see 'Holiday Day' and 'Holiday Eve'. And furthermore Australia (and the glorious United States for that matter) is a Christian country, built on Christian heritage and special days. You don't see me hijacking Ramadan and giving it a new name because I'm not Muslim.

Give me Father Christmas, allow the children to perform Nativity plays, let people remember the fact that Christmas is all about Jesus.

Get your heads out of your arses and give this day its proper greeting.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Eurovision Preview: The Grand Final

It's Grand Final time and tension is building to see who actually does win this year's contest.

Five countries automatically qualify for the Final and I thought I might preview each of them and see how they stack up.

United Kingdom
The UK have had an up-and-down experience with Eurovision of late, with some years doing quite poorly and other years doing pretty well. They haven't won in a good 10 years though. I don't think they'll win this year though. Andy does a great job with this song and it's quite a catchy, toe-tapping single. What he does on stage on the night to make it even more spectacular is to be seen, but the song is a chart buster.
Dix points

Nothing says lots of points more than a group of young, attractive women in little dresses - this is Germany's entry this year. And they come with a pretty Europoppy song which really should go far in the competition. It's quite possible that this one could be in the top 5 but after the Semi Finals results Europe can't be prejudged as usual. An enjoyable song and an enjoyable group.
Dix points

The French hate this one because it's sung in English most of the way through. But for the rest of us it's a breath of fresh air. For once, the French have given us something other than big women wearing flowing dresses moaning about lost loves in French. The background vocals sound great in the preview clip but haven't been working as well in the rehearsals, so it will be interesting to see how they go. This one is truly Divine.
Douze points

Instead of actually trying this year, Spain has sent a ridiculous entry. However, it is Spain and many people do want to know if the Spanish have intelligence so it's probably a good choice. Rodolfo is scary and old. At least he won't be alone in the Eurovision Retirement Home this year - he'll have some Croatians to keep him company. A bizarre song about a dance. Europeans will probably love it, but I really don't.
Huit points

It's more of the same from Serbia this year, with another ballad and lots of musical intervals. Another woman, but this time she looks feminine. It doesn't do much for me and the only reason why it's in the final is because they won last year. I don't think it's going to do all that well this year. But we don't mind - it's Serbia.
Six points

And my top five?
Sweden, Ukraine, Norway, France and Germany

I could pick a winner, but I will most probably choose the song that ends up being near the bottom. However, in the spirit of Eurovision, I'm going with a Norweigan victory. Let's see how I go.

Eurovision Round Up: Semi-Final 2

And time for Semi Number 2. The last half get their chance to shine... and try to get their way into the wonder that is the Eurovision Grand Final.

Will they be as interesting as last night's? Let's find out.

A big welcome to Eurodance and its entry in this year's contest. And a big hello to the newest gay icons Euroband. Nothing says camp more than two blond singers, one with a set of knockers and the other wearing too much eye makeup. Throw in the dance moves for drag queens and the pink and black outfits and we've got Mardi Gras set. As for the song... let's dance. Perfectly Eurovision.
Dix points

Oh Charlotte. A bad start. You need to hit the right notes. Luckily it came back... and one of the biggest favourites of the Contest was done well. It's nice to see Charlotte has been keeping the Swedish plastic surgery industry in the black since her last appearance in Eurovision. Another example of perfect Eurovision pop. And it surely deserves a chance in the Final.
Douze points

Those crazy Turks. People still fight over whether they're actually in Europe or not. But would they fight over this song? Stick standard soft rock. Nothing too exciting. Lots of lighting effects to help it. And crazy facial expressions from the lead singer. Not really a fan... but will Europe embrace rock this year? We'll have to find out.
Sept points

Finally, the Ukrainians have resorted to sex to get points. And they've done a good job at it. Big points for the lead singer who kept her composure even with the tiny piece of material she was wearing as a so-called dress, and extra points for the hot Ukrainian boys locked up in boxes. Another wonderful Eurovision pop song, perfect to rock on to in any state, in any location. Go the Ukrainies!
Douze points

From the excesses of Europop to the stillness of a Lithuanian man wearing tight, tight, tight leather pants singing in English. There's something about his voice I really don't like. It sounds as though he's talking as well as singing - a Denis Walter who's doing more of the talking thing. It sounds as though he's trying too hard. I'm not sure it's too appealing. Stick to Lithuanian.
Trois points

A 16 year old has infiltrated Eurovision. Aren't you supposed to be drunk to perform though? How does that work? Obviously it's legal for her. What's not legal is the song. And the cape. What was she thinking? The song is a mixup of all sorts of things - bit of rock, bit of pop, bit of ballad - and nothing really pulls it together. It's distressing. And then that cape is really something. Obviously she thinks she's Superman... but not even he can save her.
Cinq points

After years of not hearing it, Italian has finally come back to Eurovision. But by the bloody useless Italians? No - the Swiss. And quite a handsome man singing it as well. The crowd love him and I do too. It's really a nice song and this one could do well. Unlike the huge boobs of the backup singers, this song actually moved quite well from the slower reflection to the more rock/pop part. Unfortunately poor Paolo couldn't quite get the notes he was after. That by itself might ruin the chances.
Dix points

Czech Republic
Falling off notes seems to be a common theme tonight, which is quite sad. This poor woman did no better, especially when she started sounding like a man. Luckily for any men listening, they could tune out and just watch the backup dancers in their tiny bikini type costumes. Nothing better than a bit of flange flopping around for entertainment. Quite a possible Euro dance hit here, but it's just not doing anything for me. It got a bit boring after the first 30 seconds. Blah.
Cinq points

Shiny disco balls. And shiny disco kittens. Pity about the Belorussian singer. I hope they all don't look like that and enjoy wearing those very tight leather pants. It seems Lucrezia and De stade has been supplying the Eurovision contestants with their clothing this year. They must've also been supplying Belarus with choreography - that whole sex, bondage, pushing down thing... not pretty. The song. Nothing all that exciting.
Six points

Another welcome to The Wiggles to this year's Contest. Captain Feathersword has been cloned and thrown into Latvia to be devoured for Eurovision. I think this would be an excellent song for children to learn so they know all about pirates. It seems to be very correct, right down to the clothes worn. If I was the audience, I'd be shit scared of them. At least these guys would have an excuse for wearing tight, tight leather pants.
Sept points

The best thing about Eurovision is that it lets those who have left their mother country still connect in some way to it. Croatia has wonderfully thought about these people and given us a stage of old men, exactly the type of Croatians who are dispersed around the world. The one problem about this song is a cute factor - a 75 year old rapper is going to get cute votes. Bastard. You either have to be a small child or a crazy old man to get cute votes these days. Ripped off.
Sept points

I always enjoy a big feather fan, especially when held by a woman whose suspenders are showing. She does want the DJ to take her away, but with the fires that are springing up around the stage I think the DJ's going to have to stop, drop and roll first. A fun song, but could've been done differently. I don't know... it was good... but something was missing. Enjoyable in any case.
Huit points

Hello Simon. Do you want to come to Australia? I like the way you use your mic stand. And I like this song. I can guarantee that there will be people singing the chorus over and over... until they forget it.. and then hear someone else singing it. Thank god Simon was able to sing this one properly. I think Dicko would've enjoyed his stage presence. I wonder what Marcia would've moaned? Come on Simon, come over and we'll stay together 'All night long...'
Dix points

2008's token disabled person is here and it's nice that an up-and-coming ex-Soviet country is the one to provide it. I'm not sure the black zombies are really all that helpful when you're trying to sing about peace. Neither is singing like a man and not making it all that helpful, as it does not bring peace to my ears to hear it. Extra point for the huge hair from the backup singer.
Six points

This song sounds more like a late-90s Irish entry... but with a different slant on the pronunciation of English. The woman looks like a fish that's in the process of being cleaned out. The dress could've been far better. But the song's nice. I'll give her points for the song. She was very confident about it too. Pleasurable.
Sept points

The Maltese have a history of poor song choice - not this year. A sure-fire favourite thanks to the Eurodance and quite attractive woman (apparently they do exist in Malta). The song itself, Vodka, really makes no sense but it sounds like fun even though it's sung in English. If I was drunk, I'd be jumping around to this one for sure. Whether it will do well in the final is unknown, but it's a certainty to get in.
Dix points

This one's getting points exclusively based on the good looking Cypriot men in sparkling suits. Bugger the woman or her Victorian intial costume or the song in general. These boys could dance, play with fabric, be a staircase, sing, lift things... they would have to be the stars of the performance. And look, OK, the song was alright too but in the end, it's the boys who count.
Huit points

Macedonian rapping, in English, is something you don't often get a chance to experience. There's obviously a reason for that. It's unfortunate that the main rapper is wearing clothes and has bad hair. Bad hair is also a curse for the singer. She does a good job at the singing bit though. That's quite impressive. It's a boppy song and quite appropriate for Eurovision. I like it.
Dix points

Quite a big sound from quite a big lady. Someone needs to tell her that her hair colour doesn't help her squishy face and that her lipstick doesn't actually have to match her hair. The song itself is a memorable one and the drums near the end, doing that whole marching thing, does help it quite a bit. I'm a bit of a fan of this one. Would it do well Europe-wide? Quite possibly.
Huit points

That's it. All the semi-finalists have had their time in the spotlight and now it's time to see who gets a chance to sing for glory tomorrow. My choice?

Hello Belgrade. Hello Europe. My selection for the final, in no particular order, is:
1. Sweden
2. Ukraine
3. Malta
4. Denmark
5. Iceland
6. Switzerland
7. Macedonia
8. Bulgaria
9. Cyprus
10. Portugal

And the real results... Iceland, Sweden, Turkey, Ukraine, Albania, Latvia, Croatia, Denmark, Georgia and Portugal.

Only five out of ten, and a few 'certainties' who weren't actually there. Bugger. However, its the big night tomorrow night on SBS at 7:30pm and I'll be predicting my top three as well as previewing the five songs that are already in the Final tomorrow.

Bring on Eurovision!

Eurovision Round Up: Semi-Final 1

It's finally time. The greatest event on the world calendar is finally with us. Granted, it was with Europe a couple of days ago, but it takes a long time for the ship with copies of the tapes to reach Australia. Tonight on SBS is Semi-Final 1. And I am here with the annual round up of this Semi-Final. Ten of the songs in tonight's show will go to the Final on Sunday night (AEST).

Thanks to the bondage women for their support in the Black Mountain's song tonight. Stefan did a pretty good job. Pity about the hair though. Obviously girl's hair is the thing in Montenegro. As are red handprints. Bit of a rock-type song, which has been quite popular of late. Not sure if Europe would really enjoy it though - the lead guitar did go off though. That was pleasing to hear. What wasn't pleasing to see was his face. Poor man.
Six points

Israel usually has good looking men. Well that's what I've certainly seen in porn anyway. And look, I'm not complaining about Boaz's big arms. And he's only 20. Bless his soul. The voice could do with some work though. He just didn't quite sound that right. Not too funny really... as opposed to him singing in English. It's always entertaining to hear Europeans sing in English. There's something about hearing them make an r sound that tickles my funny bone.
Six points

Crazy Radio has been trying to get into Eurovision for a while. Obviously they were judged on their looks. But their choreography is probably the best I've ever seen in Eurovision history. Nothing can beat old men bopping to music. And these men could even be mistaken for The Wiggles. It's great. It's also wonderful to see a song about veggies and scantly-clad women waving flags. I wonder if anything else of theirs is flapping...
Sept points

Pink eyeshadow used to be in fashion, I'm sure. Whether Geta has checked the latest catwalks or not I can't say, but man she painted it on. Big mistake. Big mistake to also be standing on a couch. Everyone always heard their mothers scream "Get the fuck off the couch! Couches are sitting on, not jumping on!" yet Geta obviously missed that part of her upbringing. But I suppose the couch does match the fact that this is lounge music, and hey, not too bad either. It just feels as though it is missing something. Oh no, there it was - the singing in English.
Quatre points

San Marino
Welcome to SM and Miodio. There is a reason why you were left in Italy on your own for so long. Couldn't they find a better-looking lead singer? Already it seems that black and white are the colours/shades for the evening, though this song did leave me in a bit of a blue mood. The old ghost-like figure was a nice touch. Diverted the eyes away from the singer for a touch. Pity he didn't seem all that strong with the vocals - he'll need a bit of practice if he gets through.
Quatre points

Thank christ for a made-up language. And thank christ for a boiled lolly dress! You can always trust Belgium to bring us the crazy ESC entries. Nothing says fucking fantastic more than the use of the clarinet in a song. I'm enjoying this one immensely. And obviously the crowd is too. Joyous! And those tiny bowler hats are simply wonderful. A nice touch. Ooh Julissi...
Douze points

Huh? What? Angels? A male? That's a male? Now I'm confused. Not even 6 year old boys can get that high. Well, there's certainly a bulge there, so we can rule that option out. Bit of a crazy song, angels against the darkness. Impressive though and possibly quite a popular one. Has that Arabic feel but not completely overdone like some Soviet countries have done in the past. I quite liked it and the pyrotechnics helped the cause.
Huit points

I'm always a fan of bondage. I'm already hooked. And finally - true Eurovision! Costume changes, music one can dance to, wind machine ... it's all there as it should be. And hot men in black... on roller skates. Being lead on leashes. What more can you ask for? This could be a big disco hit. Enjoyable. One of the best so far!
Douze points

A stage of blondes, a perfect pop song and more windy hair - Eurovision continues. I don't think Maria would ever be lonely, neither would any of her back up singers. And of course that's based on her singing ability, which is quite good. I enjoyed this one. Pure pop and well crafted. I would've liked to have seen more cleavage. That might have helped win more votes.
Dix points

Isis Gee is quite a women. It's hard to work out if she's really really blonde, or really really tanned. Or is that dress really really blue? It is really really tight though. A beautiful ballad presented by Poland tonight, a typical ballad for the Contest and one that is sure to be a favourite of many. And the best thing about Miss Bright-Hair-Bright-Teeth-Dark-Skin is that she is quite a powerful singer. I could imagine Dicko, Marcia and Kyle's comments already...
Huit points

A puppet. Great. The only reason why I'm currently bopping is because of the music... and the fact that there are hot men dressed for the Mardi Gras. Extra points for that. It's quite an interesting song, and one that would probably do quite well if there was a human as the artist and not as the hand-up-the-arse. Extra points for the costumes - for the first time in history, orange, green and white have been used quite well in costumes. But it's good for the Irish to know they've got no hope of winning this year.
Deux points

Oh Casanova save me! Welcome back to Eurovision after the minor hiccup that was a turkey. And welcome to Andorra who have one of the favourites for this year's Contest. It is a fun one too. Nothing says fun more than someone wearing a hat which makes them look like a bee. The crazy dominatrix dress doesn't help the cause either. But she's enjoying it. And honestly, so am I.
Douze points

Bosnia and Herzegovina
Ahhh a wedding. It's been a while. However, I would be distressed to find my brother hiding with my knickers. By looking at the two singers, I'm worried about their mental health. Maybe they were locked in a cellar for 20 years. As for the song, it's quite a catchy one. It has got quite a lot of parts all woven together and the spoken parts really set it off. Quite a fun song and one I will be listening to again.
Dix points

Hello good looking boys in black. I just need to cut the hair off. And then there's the actual singer, with rotating hips of steel. I wonder if there are men jumping at the chance to hold her tight? Back to the boys though - they need to visit Australia. Armenian dancer boys, if you're reading this, my bed's available. Qele, qele! I'd dance to this often. Woohoo!
Huit points

The Netherlands
My bed's obviously not going to be big enough for the Armenian boys and now the Dutch boys. I suppose I could squeeze them in. I can say that I'm enjoying Hind's contribution to Eurovision this year. Very sultry woman. Very dark and brooding. I like it. Beautiful pop music too, which makes the whole thing so much better. Extra points for the hot boys and their overalls.
Dix points

Ever since Lordi, rock has been prominent. And it seems Finland think they need to capture Lordi again to win. Hey, I'm not complaining about seeing half naked rock men going like crazy on stage... but I'm not sure it's going to work again this year. It's not a bad song by any means and certainly not as heavy as Lordi's effort - it's something I'd listen to regularly. I wonder what their other stuff is like. But for Eurovision? I dunno.
Six points

Hello Nico and Vlad! Ahhh it's nice to hear a calming ballad, beautifully sung, contrasted with a slightly more upbeat section. I'm not sure about her green things. Why they're hanging off her dress, I really don't know. Other than that, this song is quite a nice one. I like this one. And his eyes too.
Huit points

So, the weightlifter's massive in Serbia. Yes. We can see that -it's sticking out right in front of me. Now the song... A perfect boy song. I have a feeling that Dima would've sung far better in Russian than in English but still, he did a pretty good job. I am confused about the skater though. How he fits in is probably something that needs reading up on. Extra extra points for the opening of the shirt. No wonder the world loves Russian men...
Dix points

A HUGE favourite from Greece this year, and of course she doesn't disappoint. Secret Combination is Eurovision at its best - pop, synth beats, colourful dresses and (relatively) good looking male back up dancers. The huge-assed heart really tops the whole thing off. A crowd favourite and sure-fire hit. This one could do quite well in the Oz charts if it was to be released. Well done Greece. They obviously know how to party.
Douze points

And now it's all done. Semi 1 complete. Before Europe has their say I need to have mine!

Hello Belgrade. Hello Europe. My selection for the final, in no particular order, is:
1. Belgium
2. Slovenia
3. Andorra
4. Norway
5. Bosnia and Herzegovina
6. The Netherlands
7. Russia
8. Greece
9. Armenia
10. Poland

And the real results... Israel, Azerbaijan, Norway, Poland, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Armenia, Finland, Romania, Russia and Greece.

Seven out of ten. Not bad. But disappointed that all my faves didn't get through. The rest better be bloody good tomorrow! Typical Eurovision.

Until then...

Countdown to Eurovision: 14 days to go

The Germans haven't had a good run with Eurovision. But in 1994 they had a red hot go with three girls who couldn't dance and a song that was a frollicking good time. They wanted to party. They wanted to win. But in German tradition, they didn't.

MeKaDo tried hard with Wir Geben 'Ne Party and most people enjoyed it. It was danceable. It was bright. The knitted cap on one of the girls' heads was good for winter weather. The song just couldn't get it. They were outshone by the Irish winner, for the third time in a row, and the interval act - the premiere of Riverdance.

How unfortunate. 1994 really wasn't a good year at all.

This is MeKaDo with their 3rd-spot song. And for this week, a new song everyday, culminating in a highlights reel of all the winners thus far next Sunday.

And in two weeks, the final - ESC08 from Belgrade, 'live' on SBS TV.

Countdown to Eurovision: 21 days to go

Eurovision brings with it a multitude of people, faces, songs and stories. But never in its history did it have the broo-ha-ha that it had in 2002.

Enter Slovenia and their entry for the year. From a country that's pretty religious and was under the power of Communism, the act that got the chance to represent the country was quite a novel and new one, and one that caused outrage from parliament to the streets. What was it? A group of three drag performers - Sestre. And even more, they were wearing the flight attendant uniforms of Slovenia's national airline.

For the first time ever, drag had embraced the Eurovision stage. Of course there was the transsexual, Dana International, in 1998 but at least she somewhat looked feminine. And some might argue that other acts over he ESC's life had been dragesque, but it was a big leap for Eurovision.

The bad thing is that the song was actually quite good... and actually sung by the men. Imagine Lucy Loosebox and good ol' Tabby actually singing while performing. Ears, bleeding.

So judge for yourself - Slovenia's very own drag troupe, Sestre, with Samo ljubezen. Three weeks to go!

Countdown to Eurovision: 35 days to go

One of the funniest things to come out of the UK was the hit TV series Absolutely Fabulous. One of Eddie's very famous clients in the later series was Lulu. Lulu is quite a famous artist in England. Why? Thanks to Eurovision.

Back in 1969, she decided to enter with an entry called Boom Bang-a-Bang. Heck, it was the 1960s - booming and banging was all the rage. And it was 1969... and she was singing about being naughty... but still. An appropriate song for the period. A boppy song for the period. A well-liked song for the period.

Her fashion sense could've been worked on though. She practically blends in with the flowers on stage with what she's wearing, but it is the 1960s and people were high most of the time, so it's excusable.

So, to get you in a boom bang-a-bang mood, here's Lulu with the winning song she sang in Madrid in 1969: Boom Bang-a-Bang. And with the 2008 ESC just a month away, watch out for 15 more Eurovision classics and a preview of this year's songs.

Countdown to Eurovision: 68 days to go

Seven years ago, a woman in a yellow leather bodysuit took over the Eurovision stage in Copenhagen to perform her song Energy. She entered the contest as a favourite - the song highly-powered and very Eurovision. But in the end she came 7th. And to this day, people are still arguing that the song should've come in the top 3, if not been the winner.

Why did she come 7th? It would have to have been what she was wearing. Not only did Nuša Derenda have quite a considerable nose on her, but the yellow body suit wasn't really all that appropriate. It's Eurovision, not 'Nuša does Europe'. All she needed was a whip and a gimp mask and she could've had her own show on SBS. However, even though the suit wasn't all that appropriate, it still was quite an effort to wear. There would be homos galore jealously wishing that they could look as good in such a piece of clothing.

And then there was the hair. So flat. So lifeless. She obviously hadn't been using Sunsilk's latest offering. Perhaps some over-paid hairdresser could use her in a new ad for some Sunsilk product. But I wouldn't want her to be wearing the bodysuit.

For your viewing pleasure - Nuša Derenda with Slovenia's 2001 entry that should've won but came 7th: Energy.

Honesty or stupidity?

There are times when I question the intellect of some people. In fact, I'm often questioning the intellect of some people and today was no exception.

Today I got a message on one of the pick-up websites for poofters. Nothing new there. Can't complain that I got a message. However, the message contained the line

u r not the best looking person around but u r just hillarious
Oh shucks. That's lovely. You're telling me I'm not the best looking person around but because I'm just hilarious you want to chat with me. Fuck off! I do believe that when you're trying to have someone chat to you or do anything else for that matter, you have to be nice to them and flatter them. I'm not saying lie about what you see, but not be so flat out honest. That's supposed to come later.

And then when I tell this person that their comment has blown any chance of anything, I get told I'm being defensive.

People's intelligence... no wonder I'm often questioning it.